The friend zone a metaphysical prison where one finds themselves shunned from the romantic possibilities of another. The friendzone is typically ascribed to men, when in fact all people have the ability to end up in the accursed friendzone. The reason I've suddenly felt compelled to write about this is because my friend put up a comic, http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/13-reasons-why-nice-guys-are-the-worst?fb_action_ids=10151290471369355&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151290471369355%22%3A215322128592936%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151290471369355%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map, (wow that was an annoying link to put on this) that hilariously details why the stereotypical "nice guy" is just a self pitying manipulator, who is trying to siphon sex through guilt trips and false unconditional affection. This "nice guy" doesn't actually care about the woman he is trying to woo, and instead engages into these relationships (I'm using relationship without romantic implications here) with the inherent expectation of sex (or other things e.g. love, companionship, more sex). Before I explain why this is a mere caricature of what happens, I would like to point out that the description given above can pretty much categorize all men. When a man engages in a relationship where he has deemed romantic potential, he does so with the expectation that he will receive the things listed above (well some of them at least). He might not receive these things and may come to the conclusion that he doesn't deserve them, but there is no initial difference between the mindset of a "nice guy" and a regular guy; the only differences are set off after the relationship has begun to take its course. So I guess this one goes out to all the "nice men" and "nice women" out there, who have now been thrown under the bus with this idiotic indictment of justified disappointment.
First, the characterization of the "nice person" (in an effort to not make this a male dominated conversation I will be using person as often as my normative patriarchal tendencies allow) as a person who cares very little about the partner they are trying to woo is just an over sweeping generalization. There are plenty of nice people who care deeply about the person they're trying to woo. In fact, this is where the root of their disappointment comes from. They believe truthfully that they care far more about the person in question than the person that person is currently with. Sometimes this is just subjective evaluations made with clear bias for themselves, but other times nice people have to watch their special someone be disrespected and hurt on a consistent basis.
It doesn't help that the special someone tends to use the nice person as an emotional crutch. A "nice person" is often elevated far higher than their other friends. Frequently, they'll put that person above other friends because this person is far more consistent and always seems to be there for them. It never crosses the special someone's mind that this consistency might be motivated by something other than friendship. Likewise, it never crosses the mind of the nice person that their actions could be misinterpreted as something merely done out of friendship, since they're clearly doing more than their special someone's other friends. Both are in the dark with regards to how the other feels, until finally when things between that special someone and their partner stabilize (either through a breakup or a fixing of problems), they find themselves at an impasse in regards to their relationship.
This impasse tends to work out in two scenarios. Either the special someone broke up with their partner and begin to use the nice person as an emotional restorative point, which they usually rebound from, leaving the nice person feeling used. Or the special someone finds themselves working things out with their significant other, prompting the abrupt end to the usefulness of the nice person, leaving the nice person feeling again used. In both scenarios, the common factor here is that the nice person is being used as a substitute for what is typically a companion specific faculty. You expect your significant other to be there for you emotionally on a much higher level than that of your friends. When you're going through problems, the person who goes above and beyond should be that of your significant other. The biggest issue comes when your significant other is the root of those problems, which leads to the introduction of the "nice person", who definitely cares about you on a personal and friendship level, but also feels they are doing what's necessary not only to be a good friend, but to be a suitable replacement.
Of course anyone who has any experience with relationships knows that as a rule of thumb you shouldn't try to engage in a relationship with someone who is currently in one. But that doesn't stop people from developing feelings for one another. And when someone is going through tough times in a relationship, often that is when they let their guard down the most. This emotional connection that seemed to be natural from the account of the "nice person" is actually just a product of distress. The special someone feels like this is clear, but the "nice person" never catches on (or never wants to catch on). Again, miscommunication riddles their friendship, leading to the conceptualization of the punishment known as "the friend-zone".
People need to get real though. Both "nice people" and special someones have elated their self-importance far too much and both contribute to why some people have been raging on this topic. First, "nice people", you are not always the best person to be in a relationship with. There are plenty of legitimate reasons your special someone doesn't view you romantically. Don't think that because they complain to you about partner x, that there are no redeeming qualities to that person. On to the special someones in the world, your friendship, while nice, isn't the most amazing thing in the world. Considering that friendship is probably one of the most common relationships people engage in, having yours added to the list really isn't that much more special than the friends "nice people" already have. So when a "nice person" complains, it's not that they don't treasure your friendship, it's that they have plenty of others to take its place.
I've been at both ends of the stick and I have to say I think both parties are idiots. I think "nice people" can definitely be jerks, but special someones can definitely take advantage of people as well. So in the end my final suggestion is to be more like me by: 1. not investing emotionally in people who are in relationships 2. not allowing people to become your exclusive comforters while you go through relationship issues 3. being more awesome. Follow those 3 tenets and you'll find yourself never having to deal with the nonsense of being friend-zoned or applying the friend-zone to someone else.
First, the characterization of the "nice person" (in an effort to not make this a male dominated conversation I will be using person as often as my normative patriarchal tendencies allow) as a person who cares very little about the partner they are trying to woo is just an over sweeping generalization. There are plenty of nice people who care deeply about the person they're trying to woo. In fact, this is where the root of their disappointment comes from. They believe truthfully that they care far more about the person in question than the person that person is currently with. Sometimes this is just subjective evaluations made with clear bias for themselves, but other times nice people have to watch their special someone be disrespected and hurt on a consistent basis.
It doesn't help that the special someone tends to use the nice person as an emotional crutch. A "nice person" is often elevated far higher than their other friends. Frequently, they'll put that person above other friends because this person is far more consistent and always seems to be there for them. It never crosses the special someone's mind that this consistency might be motivated by something other than friendship. Likewise, it never crosses the mind of the nice person that their actions could be misinterpreted as something merely done out of friendship, since they're clearly doing more than their special someone's other friends. Both are in the dark with regards to how the other feels, until finally when things between that special someone and their partner stabilize (either through a breakup or a fixing of problems), they find themselves at an impasse in regards to their relationship.
This impasse tends to work out in two scenarios. Either the special someone broke up with their partner and begin to use the nice person as an emotional restorative point, which they usually rebound from, leaving the nice person feeling used. Or the special someone finds themselves working things out with their significant other, prompting the abrupt end to the usefulness of the nice person, leaving the nice person feeling again used. In both scenarios, the common factor here is that the nice person is being used as a substitute for what is typically a companion specific faculty. You expect your significant other to be there for you emotionally on a much higher level than that of your friends. When you're going through problems, the person who goes above and beyond should be that of your significant other. The biggest issue comes when your significant other is the root of those problems, which leads to the introduction of the "nice person", who definitely cares about you on a personal and friendship level, but also feels they are doing what's necessary not only to be a good friend, but to be a suitable replacement.
Of course anyone who has any experience with relationships knows that as a rule of thumb you shouldn't try to engage in a relationship with someone who is currently in one. But that doesn't stop people from developing feelings for one another. And when someone is going through tough times in a relationship, often that is when they let their guard down the most. This emotional connection that seemed to be natural from the account of the "nice person" is actually just a product of distress. The special someone feels like this is clear, but the "nice person" never catches on (or never wants to catch on). Again, miscommunication riddles their friendship, leading to the conceptualization of the punishment known as "the friend-zone".
People need to get real though. Both "nice people" and special someones have elated their self-importance far too much and both contribute to why some people have been raging on this topic. First, "nice people", you are not always the best person to be in a relationship with. There are plenty of legitimate reasons your special someone doesn't view you romantically. Don't think that because they complain to you about partner x, that there are no redeeming qualities to that person. On to the special someones in the world, your friendship, while nice, isn't the most amazing thing in the world. Considering that friendship is probably one of the most common relationships people engage in, having yours added to the list really isn't that much more special than the friends "nice people" already have. So when a "nice person" complains, it's not that they don't treasure your friendship, it's that they have plenty of others to take its place.
I've been at both ends of the stick and I have to say I think both parties are idiots. I think "nice people" can definitely be jerks, but special someones can definitely take advantage of people as well. So in the end my final suggestion is to be more like me by: 1. not investing emotionally in people who are in relationships 2. not allowing people to become your exclusive comforters while you go through relationship issues 3. being more awesome. Follow those 3 tenets and you'll find yourself never having to deal with the nonsense of being friend-zoned or applying the friend-zone to someone else.
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