This blogpost was supposed to be a generalized discussion about how sexism makes dating shitty for both men and women. But as I wrote it, I realized that the conclusion from that blogpost would be incredibly boring. Most of us understand how the environment of sexual assault and misogyny could make many women skeptical of advances made by men. And if you don't agree with that reaction, I probably won't convince you otherwise with the post I was intending to write, so go over to this website. I'm sure you'll feel at home there.
Now that the children have left, let's have some real talk. I messaged a girl on ok cupid (yep, I've been sucked in too, honestly in a city as a working professional it's just really convenient, but wait I don't have to justify my decisions to all of you!). I read her entire profile, as I typically do (some people actually care about that shit), and realize she made a comment about laughing about space hamsters. " Well I'm a pretty big weirdo and the thought of laughing about space hamsters intrigued me so I messaged her first writing, "What type of space hamsters do you laugh about?" To be completely honest I didn't really expect a message back. While I'm not doing horribly in the reply category, I'm also not being offered free A list status. I expected a no response (which for every bitter asshole out there to hear, is fine, sometimes people don't like you, haven't checked their account, don't like you, were too busy, or perhaps they don't fucking like you). I don't care as there are plenty of fish in the sea, they're just all really hard to catch (seriously if you go fishing, you'll see what I mean).
So color me surprised when she responded to me accusing me of searching up her twitter name and casually referencing it before even knowing her. Now let's stop for a second. There are definitely guys who do shit like this. Hell even I will facebook stalk/internet check someone out after talking to them for a few hours just to make sure the ole catfish detector ain't ringing off. Her disgust about the assumed lengths I went to message her would definitely be warranted, if it actually happened. Instead turns out I was just mindlessly asking about something she talked about in the profile she wrote for everyone to read to know about her... (confusing right).
Now let's be clear, I'm an asshole. So immediately I thought she was a fucking idiot. This really has nothing to do with gender. Anyone who knows me, knows that when someone does something stupid, regardless of the setting, I'm quick to call them an idiot. And of course I immediately responded by pointing out where the inspiration for my message came from. But after establishing that I wasn't a weirdo creep, something hit me. Why the fuck do I have to deal with this overreaction? If someone else would do this kind of shit to me, I would rip them a new asshole. And it's not like I know her. The inter webs allows us to be morally reprehensible with the protection of the glass screen. So I began writing this long tirade about how tired I am of being accused of shit I didn't do and how it's typical white girl bullshit to claim this kind of shit. And then I stopped because I realized if I said any of that shit, I'd be acting like a sexist asshole. That girl was not in the right to be a jerk over something that she clearly made public but that reaction isn't because she's an irrational stuck up jerk. It's because so many women get harassed on these kinds of sites and so when ever a guy, especially one that labels himself as a gamer and nerd like I do, messages her with something that just seems too familiar, she immediately becomes suspicious. That reaction, while definitely not deserved, is a product of the environment. To blame her would just add onto the fucked up nature of the system.
She hasn't messaged back, but maybe she will. Regardless, I'm happier with my decision. Often when we're placed into situations concerning racism or sexism, we find that the inability to empathize with the target identity makes it so that the reaction you give is highly inappropriate and often reaffirms the systems of oppression that person lives in. However, the opposite expectation of immediately checking your privilege is an unrealistic one. The system skews the way we view each other. By acknowledging our frustrations, we become aware of the distortion and are then able to fix it or at least, check ourselves.
Now that the children have left, let's have some real talk. I messaged a girl on ok cupid (yep, I've been sucked in too, honestly in a city as a working professional it's just really convenient, but wait I don't have to justify my decisions to all of you!). I read her entire profile, as I typically do (some people actually care about that shit), and realize she made a comment about laughing about space hamsters. " Well I'm a pretty big weirdo and the thought of laughing about space hamsters intrigued me so I messaged her first writing, "What type of space hamsters do you laugh about?" To be completely honest I didn't really expect a message back. While I'm not doing horribly in the reply category, I'm also not being offered free A list status. I expected a no response (which for every bitter asshole out there to hear, is fine, sometimes people don't like you, haven't checked their account, don't like you, were too busy, or perhaps they don't fucking like you). I don't care as there are plenty of fish in the sea, they're just all really hard to catch (seriously if you go fishing, you'll see what I mean).
So color me surprised when she responded to me accusing me of searching up her twitter name and casually referencing it before even knowing her. Now let's stop for a second. There are definitely guys who do shit like this. Hell even I will facebook stalk/internet check someone out after talking to them for a few hours just to make sure the ole catfish detector ain't ringing off. Her disgust about the assumed lengths I went to message her would definitely be warranted, if it actually happened. Instead turns out I was just mindlessly asking about something she talked about in the profile she wrote for everyone to read to know about her... (confusing right).
Now let's be clear, I'm an asshole. So immediately I thought she was a fucking idiot. This really has nothing to do with gender. Anyone who knows me, knows that when someone does something stupid, regardless of the setting, I'm quick to call them an idiot. And of course I immediately responded by pointing out where the inspiration for my message came from. But after establishing that I wasn't a weirdo creep, something hit me. Why the fuck do I have to deal with this overreaction? If someone else would do this kind of shit to me, I would rip them a new asshole. And it's not like I know her. The inter webs allows us to be morally reprehensible with the protection of the glass screen. So I began writing this long tirade about how tired I am of being accused of shit I didn't do and how it's typical white girl bullshit to claim this kind of shit. And then I stopped because I realized if I said any of that shit, I'd be acting like a sexist asshole. That girl was not in the right to be a jerk over something that she clearly made public but that reaction isn't because she's an irrational stuck up jerk. It's because so many women get harassed on these kinds of sites and so when ever a guy, especially one that labels himself as a gamer and nerd like I do, messages her with something that just seems too familiar, she immediately becomes suspicious. That reaction, while definitely not deserved, is a product of the environment. To blame her would just add onto the fucked up nature of the system.
She hasn't messaged back, but maybe she will. Regardless, I'm happier with my decision. Often when we're placed into situations concerning racism or sexism, we find that the inability to empathize with the target identity makes it so that the reaction you give is highly inappropriate and often reaffirms the systems of oppression that person lives in. However, the opposite expectation of immediately checking your privilege is an unrealistic one. The system skews the way we view each other. By acknowledging our frustrations, we become aware of the distortion and are then able to fix it or at least, check ourselves.
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